UNPLUGGING
THE CHRISTMAS MACHINE
There
are many dynamics that can make the holidays stressful: stress due to
orchestrating a perfect family celebration, holiday bills, losses due
to divorce or death in the family, crowded social calendars, etc. In the
book "Unplugging the Christmas Machine" by Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock
Staeheli, the "one common concern among most that is universal: is the
yearning for a simpler, less commercial, more soul-satisfying celebration.
A universal wish to end the year with a festival of renewal that rekindles
our spirit, brings us closer to the people we care about, and brings light
and laughter to the dark days of winter. We want to ward off the commercial
excesses of the season and create an authentic, joyful celebration in
tune with our unique needs and desires."
According
to child experts, what children really want more than anything else during
the holidays are:
- a relaxed
and loving time with family
- realistic
expectations about gifts
- an evenly
paced holiday season; and
- reliable
family traditions.
Appealing
to that child within us all, important questions to ask are: how do I
want to spend my time during the holidays? What are the four most important
things to me to achieve or needs that I want met during this time? What
family or friends do I want to connect with? What are the simple gifts
I want to give or request? What are the activities I WANT to engage in?
Which activities can I choose to eliminate from the hustle and bustle?
What didn't work last holiday season that I can modify this year? Who
is someone from the here and now or from times past that I want to connect
with? What are traditions that I want to begin, modify or create with
old friends, new friends, family or alone? Think of ways to accomplish
these goals and plan so that these things will happen.
Dealing
with the letdown feeling that can come after the holidays and the tinsel
is put away: think of some activities that you enjoy and invite someone
to do it with you; i.e. jigsaw puzzle for family or friends; special dessert
or treat eaten only during the taking down of the Christmas tree, movies
with friends, etc.
Recommended
reading:
Robinson,
Jo and Staeheli, Jean Coppock. Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Guide to
Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season. William Morrow: New York, 1991.
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GOING
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAY
The
holidays can be both exciting and stressful. Celebrations, shopping, family
gatherings, exchanging gifts----are among the many activities of the season.
For some the holiday is a time of rejoicing, others face it with dread
due to less than ideal situations that they may be encountering.
Regardless
of one's circumstances, there are situations which are within one's control
and some which are not. Exercising control over areas in one's life in
which there is an element of choosing possible is of primary importance
in setting the stage for a pleasant holiday season.
For
college students returning home, chances are you have changed some in
ways that your parents may not be aware of. You may be accustomed to later
curfews whereas they may still be thinking in terms of how things used
to be. Expect that there MAY be differences to occur between you and your
family. If at all possible, keep the doors of communication open. Recognize
that talking, listening, stating preferences, negotiating and/or compromising
may need to occur. You may be planning on being out with your friends
every spare minute; their plans may be different. At the end of the semester,
grades will be coming out. Have you shared your academic performance with
your parents? If your grades are less than to be desired, best fill your
parents in on the news before the last minute. It is better to let them
in on how things are going with school whether the news is good or bad.
Pointers:
- Let your
family know about your plans and preferences for the holiday before
you arrive home. Listen to their preferences and plans as well.
- Make certain
your plans include your family in some way. Think of some things you
have in common with them or things you enjoy doing with them and request
to do those things. Include your parents in the planning and scheduling
of these activities.
- Discuss
with your parents regarding changes, i.e. curfew. Negotiation may need
to occur.
- Inform
your parents in advance regarding your grades.
Whether
you are eagerly awaiting the minute you return home or have reluctant
feelings about going home for the holidays, make sure you set aside time
for yourself doing something you enjoy and make some of your own special
plans. See the section "Simple Gifts" for ideas.
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THE
HOLIDAYS WHEN THERE ARE NO CLOSE FAMILY TIES
It
has been said that "friends are our chosen family." When there are no
close family ties: you can elect to be with friends of your own choosing.
Cultivate these friendships, celebrate special occasions and give of yourself
with these special friends. Make it a point to send cards and call these
friends on a regular basis. Celebrate holidays, turkey dinner, etc together.
Create your chosen family of friends. If there are no friends such as
this in your life, vow that you will cultivate these types of friends;
devise a plan on how you will do this; if you need help with this plan,
schedule an appointment with a counselor at the Counseling Center to assist
you—you need someone to call up and go to a movie with. For the present,
get involved with giving of yourself to others. See the section on Simple
Gifts. Think of something you can do each day from the list during the
holidays. Be creative and think of your own.
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WHEN THERE HAS BEEN DIVORCE
Although
the ads portray the holidays with the perfect, happy family, there are
many who do not have the traditional family. Remember, there is no perfect
situation. Twenty percent of families are headed by one parent. Over 50
percent of marriages result in divorce. We may prefer to have a more traditional,
two parent situation at home; however, nontraditional families can have
happy holidays as well as those with the more traditional arrangement.
How? Open your mind up to the possibility (possibilities are unlimited)
that things don't have to be a certain way in order for you to be happy.
All of us have our preferences but some things are out of our control
and it is nobody's fault—some situations are not ideal. Actually, most
situations are not ideal. Consider what IS within your control. Consider
who IS in your life and focus on the good things you have together. Consider
what you have in common and ask to spend time together doing those things.
Considering
the people you will be with during the holidays, how would you like to
spend time with them? What are some traditions you would like to have
with the family or people you WILL be with? Perhaps you will be with different
sets of relatives during the holidays. Establish traditions that you would
enjoy with the various facets of your family. Think of the pluses for
you regarding each situation and focus on them. Don'ts include: don't
expect everything to go without conflict, don't expect loved ones to know
how you have grown/changed (you'll have to inform them) since you last
saw them, don't expect parents to have changed (re curfews, expectations,
chores,----you may need to negotiate, discuss preferences and compromise).
Think in advance of some traditions you would like to start with various
family members or with friends. Discuss your ideas with loved ones and
schedule them in. Be creative. Possibilities: card playing, make a skit
of a fairy tale and video it, game playing, singing, playing musical instruments,
reading aloud to each other, attending concerts, entertaining friends,
telling anecdotes about the family, listening to the older family members
tell about the good ‘ole days, take trips to the country, dancing, cooking
together, going for walks, taking trips to the country, creating skits
and plays, caroling, doing winter sports. What others can you think of?
Remember, discuss ideas with other family members and make a plan. Other
ideas, see "Simple Gifts" section.
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DEALING WITH DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
Holidays
are particularly difficult when you have lost a loved one. In her newsletter
entitled "Renew", Judy Oaks Davidson suggests that family or
friends who have lost a loved one openly talk about the things they will
miss and devise a plan to accommodate those traditions that are now different.
She offers the following guidelines:
- openly
discuss holiday traditions of the past
- create
a special tribute for the day such as lighting a candle, gather some
treasured remembrances;
- decide
and plan where to spend the holidays;
- balance
being alone with being with others;
- relive
pleasant memories, set aside letting go time;
- find a
creative outlet — use creative feelings to write a story or poem in
honor of your loved one, make gifts or special treats for others;
- attend
to other loved ones in your life; listen to and celebrate them; and
- utilize
available resources — don't grieve alone — utilize family, church, support
group.
Renew
is a bereavement newsletter with useful, supportive information for those
struggling with grief issues. For more information call 859-986-7878 or
http://www.renew.net/ or e-mail: renew@mis.net.
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